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Completist destiny: Shows I’ve watched beginning to end

By on Jul 3, 2014 in Inner Monologues | 0 comments

Completist Destiny, as defined by Wikipedia, is the belief that a television addict such as myself is destined—nay, divinely ordained—to watch a series completely and completely chronologically. Fine, I admit: that might just be a dogma of my own creation. But I stick to it. (This is where you, in solidarity, shout, “Leave no episode behind!”) Of course, I have to compromise sometimes, like when networks boneheadedly air episodes out of order, or when I’m watching TV with someone who’s not as obsessive-compulsive devoted to the intended chronology as I am. Anyway, I was thinking today about the series I’ve watched in their entireties—i.e. series for which I’ve seen every episode made available. Here they all are, from the most prolific to the shortest-lived… and even the ones I’m not so proud I watched! The X-Files (205 episodes)...

Web TV: The Scripted Shows of Amazon, Hulu, and Netflix

By on May 13, 2014 in Previews | 0 comments

With Amazon, Hulu, and Netflix establishing themselves as 21st-century television networks, a certain someone in my life thought it might be wise for me to make a guide to the programming available on those services. I’m only listing shows that are scripted, geared toward adults, presumably still in production, and produced (at least in part) by the service in question. (Hulu has a silly habit of labelling content produced by networks overseas as “Hulu Originals.”) AMAZON The After — A mysterious apocalypse unites eight strangers in this drama from X-Files mastermind Chris Carter. Starring Aldis Hodge, Andrew Howard, Arielle Kebbel, Jamie Kennedy, Sharon Lawrence, Sam Littlefield, Louise Monot, Jaina Lee Ortiz, and Adrian Pasdar. Alpha House — In this political satire from Doonesbury creator Garry Trudeau, four senators share a house in Washington, D.C. Starring John...

TV’s Weirdest Family is in Kohler’s “Two Kids, One Toilet” Commercial

By on Apr 5, 2014 in Inanities | 0 comments

No offense to Kohler — a company whose products I genuinely respect — but its commercial entitled “Tresham” shows the strangest ostensibly-“cute” family dynamics on TV. It’s more a PSA for lockable bathroom doors than it is an ad for bathroom plumbing. Imagined logline: Two kids urinate simultaneously in a Kohler toilet while nude Mom enjoys a soak in a Kohler bathtub mere feet away. As the commercial starts, the two boys open the door just wide enough to scope out the situation and their mother inside, who is luxuriating in a bubble bath — perhaps contemplating the mystery of that odd latch mechanism on the door. (“There must be a way to ensure my privacy! Is there something else one should do to a bathroom door after closing it?”) And as the rugrats breach Mommy’s Spa Weeknight, the woman doesn’t even check to make sure her bobbly...

Phil Robertson Is a Ducking Bigot

By on Mar 23, 2014 in Rants | 0 comments

I won’t mince my words: Duck Dynasty‘s Phil Robertson is a bigot — a “forgiving” and “tolerant” one or not — and A&E is reprehensible for not taking his offenses more seriously and for kowtowing to its Phil-supporting viewership. I know this issue is months old at this point, but it seems to have washed out of the news cycle — and every day that Phil remains gainfully employed by A&E only adds to the injustice. Then again, Phil would likely surmise that I’m only commenting now because I’ve been too busy with acts of terror, hostility, and murder. Before continuing my “rage spiral,” I’ll back up and provide a little context. In an article published in the January 2014 issue of GQ, Phil defined sin: “Start with homosexual behavior and just morph out from there. Bestiality, sleeping around with this woman and...

The Great TV Show Title Jumble

By on Sep 17, 2013 in Inanities | 0 comments

Today in Hypothetical Alternate Realities: What would happen if two totally different shows exchanged words in their titles? Behold. Drag Notice — HR representatives are replaced by drag queens, who then put delinquent employees on notice. “Gurl, you betta werk!” RuPaul’s Burn Race — RuPaul trades her loving “shade” for appallingly cruel barbs (punctuated, of course, by her trademark cackle). Pretty Little Anarchy — Four teenage fashionistas live to regret having overthrown the government of Rosewood. Sons of Liars — Four grown sons of formerly-teenage fashionistas form a motorcycle gang… and dish about small-town secrets over nonfat lattes. The Good Stars — An inventory of all the celebrities in Hollywood who haven’t been arrested for DUI, become a Scientologist, flashed their nether regions, or made anti-Semitic remarks. Dancing with the Wife —...

2013 Emmys: And the nominees are…

By on Jul 28, 2013 in Tinseltown | 0 comments

After poring over the 2013 Emmy nominations, I have a just a few observations, objections, musings, congratulations, speculations, and ramblings. American Horror Story has quickly become one of my all-time favorites, so I’m gratified that Emmy voters share my love for it and awarded it 17 nominations this year, more than any other program. Game of Thrones leads the dramas with 16 nods, and 30 Rock reigns over the comedies one last time with 13. Saturday Night Live holds the record for having the highest total of nominations for a variety show — or any show — with its 171 nods. But considering it’s been Emmy-eligible for 38 years now and has thus received average of 4.5 nominations per year, its longevity is more impressive than its nomination history. That said, SNL earned 15 nominations this year, more than thrice its average. This is the show’s second most-nominated...