Today in Hypothetical Alternate Realities: What would happen if two totally different shows exchanged words in their titles? Behold.
Drag Notice — HR representatives are replaced by drag queens, who then put delinquent employees on notice. “Gurl, you betta werk!”
RuPaul’s Burn Race — RuPaul trades her loving “shade” for appallingly cruel barbs (punctuated, of course, by her trademark cackle).
Pretty Little Anarchy — Four teenage fashionistas live to regret having overthrown the government of Rosewood.
Sons of Liars — Four grown sons of formerly-teenage fashionistas form a motorcycle gang… and dish about small-town secrets over nonfat lattes.
The Good Stars — An inventory of all the celebrities in Hollywood who haven’t been arrested for DUI, become a Scientologist, flashed their nether regions, or made anti-Semitic remarks.
Dancing with the Wife — Octogenarian gents gently sway back and forth with their white-haired spouses.
Orange Is The New Model — Beautiful and super-skinny women are judged by their spray-tans. Tan Mom and Snooki co-host.
America’s Next Top Black — An affirmative action-packed hour! White people: Watch this to make your privilege magically disappear!
America’s Got Runway — A picturesque travelogue showcasing the most magnificent of the nation’s landing strips.
Project Talent — A search for a reality show that can actually generate legitimate stars. The X Factor, America’s Got Talent, and The Voice need not apply.
Once Upon a Theory — A magical journey through a fantastical world filled with fabled physicians.
The Big Bang Time — Two dweebs and their hot roommate get down and dirty. (To be aired only at 3 AM on pay-cable channels.)
Top Demons — Padma Lakshmi appraises the culinary efforts of 16 cheftestants… in Hell!
Da Vinci’s Chef — Sweetly oafish cook prepares meals for misanthropic inventor. (Terrible Italian accent: “Signore, your a-pasta is-a ready!”)
United States of Love — A reverse-elimination show in which hippies just add more and more contestants to their commune.
Big Tara — Toni Collette not only has multiple-personality disorder… She also keeps getting larger!
The C Word — Women gleefully zoom up the corporate ladder past their pathetic and misogynist male counterparts.
The Big L — The plus-size version of The L Word.
Californialess — A drama imagining a dystopian future in which California detaches from the rest of the Continental 48, just like so many conservative pundits have hoped for.
Shamecation — Honeymooners retreat to an exotic tropical isle… filled with harshly-critical strangers. (“Who do you think you are?” “You can’t do that!” “You can’t put that there!” “You’re doing it wrong!”)
Arrested Town — Emily Thorne of Revenge decides that the focus of her vendetta is too small and instead goes after all of East Hampton, NY… regardless of whether each inhabitant is innocent or not.
Cougar Development — Barely-legal young men transform women of a certain age from milquetoast to to MILF!
The Walking Anatomy — Body parts reanimate and detach themselves from corpses. TV-MA episodes feature zombie genitals.
Grey’s Dead — Ellen Pompeo is the only living (and loving) being in a hospital full of the undead. Such drama! Such romance!
Special thanks to Jasel and fiancé Alex for their creative input.