Or, Everything That’s Ever Been Spoiled For Me

Try as hard as I might, there’s no escaping spoilers in my role as (amateur) TV critic. As I’ve said before, I’m incapable keeping up with all the worthwhile, buzz-worthy, quality TV on the air today. And while most blogs and publications are good about preceding spoilers with warnings and burying plot reveals in the body of an article instead of leading with them, others are not so conscientious. And even with the diligent outlets, there is a statute of limitations with spoilers—at a certain point, after an arbitrary amount of time has passed, it has to be allowable to rehash and discuss major plot points without recrimination. So I don’t always blame the spoil-er for the spoiling; I just regret that it happened (unless I just don’t care).

At the risk of paying the sin forward, here are all the twists that have been ruined for me—only posted for the amusement of curious readers! For those of you who are reading this on my blog, I’ve redacted the spoiler so that you have to highlight it to read it. For those of you who are reading this on an RSS feed, you might be S.O.L. This is a veritable minefield of killjoy spoilerage, so proceed with caution. And have fun!

• The Walking Dead: I knew that there was a substantial plot twist recently and that actor Jon Bernthal has been making press circuits, so I had my suspicions—and I’ve since found out that, yes, Shane dies.
• Dexter: To the dismay of my boyfriend, who got me into the show, I had long since read that the Trinity Killer killed Dexter’s wife Rita.
• Game of Thrones: I forget how I read it, but I knew that whatever character Sean Bean plays is beheaded even before HBO the sensationalistic (and, might I add, clever) promotional poster that depicts his head on a pike.
• Desperate Housewives: Thanks to a full-page article in Entertainment Weekly and a clip that ran on one of the morning shows, I now know that Mike Delfino dies. (Interestingly, many other TV fans were spoiled when the plot twist was referenced in the Nicollette Sheridan trial days before the episode aired.) I’m not devastated about it; I’ve been dragging my heels on watching my Housewives backlog anyway.
• Battlestar Galactica: Dammit, TV Guide. Here I was innocently leafing through their BSG issue when, all of a sudden, I came across a picture of four of the final five Cylons (and I’m not saying who here because I’m still hoping to get my boyfriend into the show).
• The Amazing Race: Every season, I inevitably fall behind on this competition show, and more often than not, I hear about who won the big shebang.
• Grey’s Anatomy: I’m pretty sure I knew that Denny died before I caught up with the seasons I’d missed on Netflix. And now that I’m covering the show for Wetpaint, I’m privy to a lot of spoilers. I was allowed to watch one screener this season which had a disclaimer asking critics not to reveal “what happens to Henry” in that episode. Gee, can you guess?
• Once Upon a Time: I found out that the sheriff died, breaking the heart of the Jennifer Morrison character, but I don’t feel too upset about it because a) I’ve only watched one episode, and b) I hear that death isn’t permanent on that show anyway.
• Gossip Girl: I knew that Dan and Blair became romantic while I was still boycotting the show. And now that I’ve seen it happen, I don’t hate the idea!
• Parenthood: A thumbnail on Hulu gave away the fact that not only did Jasmine forgive Crosby, but they got married, too.
• So You Think You Can Dance: My boyfriend and I heard who had won the latest season (Melanie, was it?) as we were still watching the first few episodes. It didn’t really matter, though, because the season was so uninspiring that we didn’t even finish watching it.
• Six Feet Under: I know that the Peter Krause character (Nate?) has some sort of stroke which makes him start saying nonsensical words right before he dies.
• The West Wing: I think I remember that the Jimmy Smits character wins the election, replacing Jed Bartlet as president. I also know that Leo dies by virtue of the sad fact that the actor, John Spencer, passed away in the midst of the series.
• The X-Files: I knew that Mulder was abducted because I remembered seeing him practically flayed by alien technology in a FOX promo years before I watched it.
• Buffy the Vampire Slayer: I know that Buffy’s mom dies. And maybe the Alyson Hannigan character, too?
• The Wire: The kid played by Tristan Wilds shoots some girl in a car…? Is that right? And also, does Omar die?
• Friday Night Lights: One of the teens commits murder? Maybe?
• Alias: I’m pretty sure I Googled out spoilers (but I don’t remember which) back in the days before I wanted to stay pure.
• Lost: Actually, no! I’m adding this to the list because I think I actively dodged spoilers pretty effectively. Take that!

If I were a student at a small liberal arts school in rural Massachusetts, and my Media Studies professor asked me to analyze the newest Mad Men poster (in no fewer than 3 pages, double-spaced, 12-pt Times New Roman), here’s how I would totally bullshit that paper. (Disclaimer: all of the papers I wrote in college involved hours of research, much soul-searching,and extensive meta-analysis.) Here’s the poster, and below is the pretension.

• The female mannequin has no face, indicating how little Don Draper is concerned with his sexual partners’ identities.
• The male mannequin has no face, representing the flux of Don’s own personas and identities.
• The female mannequin’s lower sexual organ is concealed, representing society’s expectation for him to remain chaste in extramarital contexts.
• Don’s face is inscrutably impassive, representing the constant compartmentalization of his emotions.
• It is unclear whether Don is looking at the tableau or at his own reflection. In the case of the latter, his blank expression perhaps signifies a failure to recognize himself.
• The robe, pajamas, and flowers are maroon, a hue between red (evoking Don’s carnal lust) and purple (evoking his status as social/professional royalty).
• The desaturated blues and grays of the rest of the image echo the cold apathy of Don’s milieu, the city.
• The female is naked and standing, while the male seems to gaze upon her while clothed and seated, reinforcing the era’s rampant gender inequality.
• Don perhaps leers at the female’s naked form along with the male, affirming his libidinous and maybe even lecherous mindset.

Enough! Uncle! Now that I’ve been a blowhard, let’s get real: this poster is brilliant. Don is not only pausing to look at a fellow advertiser’s work, but the display has been subverted with a simple act of physics, and the result is that Don is looking at his own life being reflected back at him. Nice work, AMC (or AMC’s advertising firm, rather). I’d imagine even Don would be impressed with this advertisement.

Like every other reputable TV critic, I’ve seen absolutely none of this season’s crop of new shows, except for the first episode and a half of New Girl. (Cut a guy some slack; we’ve been trying to slash Dexter from my to-watch list.) So since there’s no time like the holidays for frivolity, let me recklessly and unfairly pass judgment on all the broadcast network’s new scripted offerings… in haiku form! Bonus: Watch as my poetic form deteriorates toward the end of the post!

Charlie’s Angels
Lame reboot; no buzz
Not even Minka Kelley
could save these Angels

Pan Am
Flight attendant? Hah!
You call her “stewardess”
Or just say “Ricci.”

How To Be a Gentleman
In laugh-less sitcom,
One guy is Johnny Drama,
Other’s just up-tight

Allen Gregory
I’m not sure what makes
This Jonah-Hill-voiced kid
Diff’rent than Stewie…

Free Agents
They are coworkers.
They slept together. So what?
Happens all the time.

The Playboy Club
What happens when
Cute women in bunny suits
Meet Don Draper Lite?

Prime Suspect
No Helen Mirren.
Instead, Maria Bello
In a funny hat.

A Gifted Man
Surgeon sees dead wife.
Her work lives on through him.
Must have God complex!

Person of Interest
Michael Emerson
Is a creeper once again,
But for good this time!

Unforgettable
Total recall, huh?
Hard to fathom. I just bought
Ginkgo biloba.

Terra Nova
Love them dinosaurs.
Wish the graphics were better.
Wanna see peeps chomped!

Hart of Dixie
I’m guessing this show
Doesn’t center on the fine
Dixie paper goods line

Ringer
What is better than
One Sarah Michelle Gellar?
Twin SMGs! Duh!

Up All Night
Applegate, Arnett
And Rudolph. Would watch these guys
Almost anywhere.

Last Man Standing
Who runs the world? Girls!
Tim Allen doesn’t get that
Must be too washed up.

Suburgatory
Living in the ‘burbs
Is certaintly not hellish,
Just a bit boring.

The Secret Circle
CW loves
Supernatural shows, like
Supernatural.

Grimm
The guy can see beasts
Living amongst us humans
Like Michelle Bachmann.

Once Upon a Time
Ginnifer Goodwin
Is super cute. Even in this
Meta fairy tale.

2 Broke Girls
Cash-starved waitresses
Think they’re funny but only
Get laughs from laugh track.

New Girl
Adorkable Zo
Crashes with some bro-ish bros,
Sings at ev’ry chance.

I Hate My Teenage Daughter
Mothers who are scared
To confront a teenage girl
Need to rethink life.

Revenge
Girl moves to Hamptons
Somehow affords beach cottage
Might cut a bitch soon.

Whitney
Lassie McSassy
Is dating a caveman guy
And e’er kvetching.

If you’re a diehard fan of a show, you can proclaim your love loud and proud with your standard t-shirt bearing the show’s logo. But sometimes, you want merchandise that’s a bit less conventional. Maybe a bit less straightforward. Maybe a bit more of an insider-y reference. For such occasions, I recommend the following items.

Merlotte’s Neon Sign The perfect accompaniment for your bar/liquor cabinet/Tru Blood cooler, this neon sign harks back to the favorite watering hole of Bon Temps, Louisiana. If you’re more the fangbanger type, a Fangtasia sign is also available, and it’s only a matter of time before we see a Lou Pine’s variant.

The Office Sign Not much ambiguity here, but this door sign is highly emblematic of the show. The Office has one of the most bountiful online stores, with hundreds of items available. If you want to continue making your home resemble the Dunder Mifflin workplace, you can also get personalized name plates, reprints of Pam’s artwork, and bobbleheads of almost all the employees.

Top Chef Logo Jacket What better way to say “I’m not your bitch, bitch” than to don this jacket and tell all who enter the kitchen that you mean business. Food—instantly better. Atmosphere—instantly more intimidating. Of course, to complete the look, you also need the Top Chef pants, the Top Chef apron, the Top Chef oven mitt, and the Top Chef knives. (And no one’s gonna tell you to pack them and go.)

Jeffster Poster Promote the Buy More’s homegrown cover band by purchasing this poster, sporting the trademark coifs of the Nerd-Herders-cum-rockstars Jeff and Lester. Let everyone know you support the arts, dubious as they may be.

Lost Prints When graphic designer Ty Mattson wanted to craft invitations to his Lost viewing party, he created eight Saul-Bass-esque works of art, each iconic of a specific aspect of the show. Two are available for purchase as prints (and as t-shirts and even skateboards) at the ABC Store.

Tracy Jordan TJ Pendant T-Shirt Even if you haven’t achieved the almighty EGOT status, you can still match Tracy Jordan’s swagger with this blinged-out t-shirt. Take it from a proud owner of this shirt, people on the street certainly do look at you differently.

Mad Men Barbie Dolls If you want to reenact Mad Men’s hot-blooded office politics and smoldering trysts, now you can, with these miniature versions of the main characters which are not creepy at all. But I don’t know how you’re going to find a pack of Lucky Strikes that are to scale.

Metal Dharma Signs If you’re working on transforming your living room into a Dharma hatch—buying Geronimo Jackson on vinyl, finding the right ping-pong table, keeping that pesky electromagnetic field under control—then these metal signs are a must-have. Unfortunately, the Dharma Initiative Alarm Clock seems to still be in the theoretical stages.

With actors like Mariska Hargitay and Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, the primetime landscape is not for want of unusual names. But no show has more on its payroll than Dollhouse, as anyone who has studied the opening titles can attest. Eliza Dushku, Tamhoh Penikett, Dichen Lachman, Fran Kranz, etc. If it weren’t for dear Olivia Williams and her ordinary name, I would have thought that having a distinctive name was a prerequisite for being cast!

No sooner did I think to point this out on my blog than I saw a video in which the cast members talk about the same peculiarity of their show. (And thank God, because otherwise I would have never known how to pronounce the name Enver Gjokaj.) Check it out below:

To know me is to know my profound distaste for American Idol. I hate the show not only because it employs some of the worst of reality-television practices, but also because more-deserving shows don’t stand a chance when they’re scheduled against it. So it always delights me when I hear of news that could damage the show’s standing, and recently, I’ve been very happy. First Paula Abdul quit the show, and now a video of Simon Cowell has been leaked that could really, um, dog his reputation and credibility.

As I learned on TV Squad yesterday, someone has sniffed out the footage in which Cowell, dressed as a character named “Wonderdog,” is promoting his techno track entitled “Ruff Mix.” And the kicker: the melody is comprised of dog barks. (Like Conan said last night, this week truly is Bark Week.) Behold the horror:

Apparently, Mr. Cowell purchased the song from a German artist in the early 80s and created a Wonderdog persona to go along with it. Granted, he was a younger and less experienced Simon Cowell, but still, he had to have known the awfulness he was unleashing upon the world. How does one listen to that track and think that it deserves public consumption? And, worse, TV Squad notes that the single actually reached No. 31 on the Billboard charts.

What’s next: a report that Tom Colicchio loves to eat pork rinds? Or that Heidi Klum has been spotted in a Snuggie?

Postscript: It seems like Y! Music blogger Lyndsey Parker and I had similar brainwaves when concocting the headlines of our respective posts. I’m keeping mine since I thought I was being so (pun-ishingly) funny when I thought it up, but she deserves credit for reporting the news—and thinking of the joke—first.

One highlight of this May’s MTV Movie Awards was the music video starring Andy Samberg and “Neil Diamond,” with a special keyboard solo by J.J. Abrams. The video was an ode to the cinematic cliché in which the hero or villain walks away from a blast without so much as a backward glance. In case you haven’t seen it, check it out here:

And keyboardist J.J. Abrams should know: on multiple occasions, characters in his brainchild Alias (my favorite show, incidentally) don’t look at explosions. Take this scene, in which free-agent Anna Espinosa, disguised as Sydney herself, brazenly doesn’t watch as Sydney’s truck explodes behind her…

…or this scene, in which Peyton takes a bazooka to Sydney, Jack, and Irina’s only means of escape and then strides away with full badassery…

…or this scene, in which Sydney runs away from an explosion in a Taiwanese lab. (Okay, she has a reason to not look: she’s flat-out booking it. But still, my point remains!)

The song speaks the truth: the more you ignore it, the cooler you look.

The following post was originally published on my old blog on March 3, 2009.

Just for the frivolous, hypothetical fun of it all, let’s theorize what would happen if the gun-wielding, Intersect-protecting Sarah Walker from Chuck swapped places with the upstart-starting, family-tending Sarah Walker from Brothers & Sisters.

In the world of Chuck, Sarah Walker from Brothers & Sisters would get totally overwhelmed by the treacherous spy missions, call her family members for support, and then rally to get through it. She might have a fling with Chuck for the self-esteem boost and then break it off abruptly and clumsily. She would have no patience for Chuck’s best friend Morgan—she’d deem him immature and promptly put him in timeout. She would totally hit it off with Chuck’s sister Ellie—they’d call each other for life advice. She would object to John Casey’s attitude of superiority, and she’d try to become a better spy just to put him in his place.

In the world of Brothers & Sisters, Sarah Walker from Chuck would quickly get fed up with the family’s dysfunction. Thanks to a fancy, government-issued cell phone (and the requisite hidden earpiece), she would not need to put anyone on call-waiting during one of the Walkers’ infamous simultaneous-phone-calling. Not only would she be the only character on the show who could actually keep a secret, she would learn everyone else’s secrets after planting bugs around the house. She would not talk about “feelings.” Instead, she would her emotions in check until she had the chance to vent by shooting something—or someone. (Holly Harper might want to watch her back.)