or, A Television-Related Word Association Experiment With the Love of My Life

Here’s a list of every current show I watch, and my boyfriend’s instant reaction to each.

• 30 Rock “Oh, Tina Fey…” (smiles)
• American Horror Story ”Thrills me.”
• Boardwalk Empire “Costumes…”
• Breaking Bad “Oh, I don’t know.  I don’t know.  Come back to me with that one.”
• Burn Notice “Never saw it… oh, but that guy is hot.”
• Californication “Gah… can’t get into it… but I want to.”
• Community “Growing on me.”
• Cougar Town “Stupid.”
• Covert Affairs “Oh, Piper Peek-a-boo.  That’s what my dad calls her… looks pretty stupid, though.  It looks like a dumbed-down Alias, if Alias could be any dumber.”
• Curb Your Enthusiasm ”I hate Seinfeld.”
• Damages “I don’t know anything about that show.  What is that show?”
• Desperate Housewives ”Ugh… desperate.”
• Dexter “Love it.  Those cat eyes.”
• Fringe “Ugh… it has that guy from Dawson’s Creek.”
• Glee “Oh, I love Lea Michele.  Oh!  Mercedes!  What’s her name in real life?”
• Gossip Girl “Ed. Westwick. Two words.”
• Grey’s Anatomy (gags ) “Menopause.”
• Justified “I wanna watch that.  It has that guy with the French last name that sounds like ‘elephant.’ E-le-phant.  You should use those French accents.”
• Louie “Say that again?”
• Mad Men (sighs) “Upsets me.”
• Modern Family “Oh my god.  I could watch that all day.”
• Nikita “Oh my god… the CW…”
• Once Upon a Time “I love Ginnifer Goodwin.  Godwin.  Goodwin.”
• Parenthood “I adore that show.”
• Parks and Recreation (smiles admiringly and shrugs)
• Private Practice “Ugh… keep it private.”
• Raising Hope “Babies.”
• Revenge “Oh, that’s the girl I’m gonna see soon in ‘Bros and Hos’ [our nickname for Brothers and Sisters].  Living in the Hamptons is so nice.  Except I hate those people.”
• So You Think You Can Dance “The judges really think they can talk”
• The A-List: New York “Not a list I want to be a part of.  Not ‘a list‘.” (laughs)
• The Buried Life “Oh.  That’s like a bucket list for adult people.  Or, or for kids.  I do want to watch that.”
• The Glee Project ”I really hated those kids.  And I did not like the results.”
• The Good Wife “Always hesitant to start, but I love it by the end.  That Kalinda: she can seduce everyone, and she’s really not that hot.  But she’s cunning.  She’s kind of like an animal actually.  Don’t you think so?  She just kinda fills her animalistic needs.”
• The Office “Ugh… never got into it.  I love Steve Carrell.  And I love that British dude who insults everyone.”
• The Sing-Off  “Nick Lachey is a really dumb host.”
• The Voice ”Oh, we were on that.”
• The Walking Dead “I really don’t like anything that has to do with zombies, except for 28 Days Later.”
• True Blood “Oh my god.  ’Sookie.’  That is also one of the first shows to make a gay person of color a main character, and in a really positive way.  People respect him.”
• Top Chef  “My dream career.  That show tantalizes me.  That shows tantalizes my every vittle.” (laughs)  ”What do you want for dinner tonight?”

We all watch television in eager anticipation of those watercooler moments—those moments so shocking, so emotional, so incredibly awesome that we have to a) rewind to watch them about twenty times and b) rehash them to death with all of our fellow watchers. And I honor my picks for those moments here, along with video clips of each moment from YouTube and Hulu (which will hopefully still work in six months). Bear in mind that I did not (and surely could not) see every worthwhile show on television in 2011, and I might be behind on the ones I do watch, so I will most certainly snub deserving moments. Also, I chose not to go Googling to remember these events; if they didn’t come immediately to mind, they must not be momentous enough to merit a place on this list.

WARNING: MASSIVE SPOILERS AHEAD! You may just want to look at the show names in the parentheses before looking at the description to keep yourself pure. You’ve been warned!

1. Alicia finds out (The Good Wife) that Kalinda slept with her husband Peter, since only she knows that the name of his rumored mistress, Leila, is the name with which Blake would constantly refer to Kalinda.
2. Debra sees Dexter kill (Dexter), and now we’re dying to know now how strong their familial bonds are—will she arrest him, protect him, or aid and abet him?
3. Adele learns she has Alzheimer’s (Grey’s Anatomy) passing through denial, anger, and grief all within the span of a tour de force monologue, thanks to an Emmy-winning performance by Loretta Devine.
4. Zeek lectures Amber (Parenthood) after she gets in a car accident because her friend was drunk, saying, “You do not have my permission to mess with my dreams.”
5. Gus uses the box cutter (Breaking Bad) on his henchman Victor’s neck, wordlessly putting the fear of God (or is that the fear of Gus?) into insubordinate Walt and Jesse.
6. Violet realizes she’s dead (American Horror Story) when she finds her rotting corpse deep in the bowels of the Murder House, and she realizes that her suicide attempt days earlier was successful.
7. The multiverse forgets Peter (Fringe) as if he never existed, and he was only trying to stop the destruction of our universe by the other and vice versa.
8. Debbie shoots Tara (True Blood) with a bullet meant for Sookie, making this season finale the bloodiest and most tragic episode yet.
9. Michael says goodbye (The Office), ending the comedy king’s reign in Scranton on a surprisingly sincere and touching note.
10. Henry dies (Grey’s Anatomy) on Cristina’s operating table, while Henry’s wife Teddy operates in the next room, misled to believe the surgery is a success.
11. Dexter finds the professor’s frozen body (Dexter) and realizes that Travis is the monster himself, not just the lackey—and worse, he’s schizo.
12. The Troubletones sing “Rumour Has It/Someone Like You” (Glee), a mash-up showcasing the emotion-laden vocals of Mercedes and Santana, with some fine choreography to boot.
13. Adam and Kristina fight (Parenthood), which not only displayed superb acting by Peter Krause and Monica Potter but also proved that the relationships developed by this show’s writers are among the most realistic you’re likely to find on TV.
14. Callie sings “The Story” (Grey’s Anatomy)—really just an excuse for Sara Ramirez to sing a showstopping number, and damn if she didn’t sing her heart out.
15. Blake leaves Kalinda with a parting shot (The Good Wife), telling her that he knows that she slept with Peter—and we get a rare glimpse of a vulnerable and scared Kalinda.

• BONUS: “Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait… wait. I worry what you just heard was, ‘Give me a lot of bacon and eggs.’ What I said was: ‘Give me all the bacon and eggs you have.’ Do you understand?” – Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation 

   

Because it’s already February of the next year and I’m feeling sheepish, let’s just speed through this! Here is the pantheon of shows which, in my opinion, made television a bit more divine in 2010. (Note: I have not yet seen Boardwalk Empire or Downton Abbey—forgive me.)

1. Mad Men (2010: #2)
2. Lost (2010: #3)
3. Breaking Bad (2010: #1)
4. Modern Family (2010: #7)
5. Community
6. Fringe (2010: #8)
7. Parks and Recreation
8. The Good Wife
9. The Buried Life
10. Justified

It’s often hard to remember all of the television I watch every year, but some episodes make themselves impossible to forget. The following hours or half-hours of television were exemplary in some way, whether it was for the writing or the direction of the episode; for the way they ended seasons or, in some cases, entire series; for their plots or subplots; for the emotional toll they took on the viewer; for the way they broke the mold and parted with tradition; or sometimes for just one scene or performance in particular.

1. Lost “The End” (Parts 1 & 2)
   … for providing an unexpected, moving, and controversial finale sure to keep fans talking, dissecting, and criticizing for years to come.
2. Grey’s Anatomy “Sanctuary/Death and All His Friends”
   … for the tensest, most emotionally-draining two hours of television this year.
3. Breaking Bad “Half Measures”
   … for the brutal, game-changing last thirty seconds alone.
4. Mad Men “The Suitcase”
   … for the most finely-written “bottle episode” I’ve ever seen.
5. Lost “The Candidate”
   … for being the first television episode to actually elicit tears.
6. 24 “Day 8: 2:00 PM-3:00 PM/Day 8: 3:00 PM-4:00 PM”
   … for finally letting Jack Bauer run off into the sunset (even if he is doing so under duress) after a tender moment with Chloe
7. Fringe “Over There” (Parts 1 & 2)
   … for smashing the two snowglobes—the two universes—together, and in so doing, kick-starting a powerful season to come.
8. The Buried Life “Make a Million Dollars” (Parts 1 & 2)
   … for the guys’ dogged persistence and cheerful optimism in the face of their most challenging task yet.
9. Glee “The Substitute”
   … for Gwyneth Paltrow’s bravura performance as the goofy Holly Holliday.
10. Dollhouse “Epitaph Two”
    … for providing an epic, post-apocalyptic finale, while still being a love letter to the fans jilted by the show’s cancellation.
11. Private Practice “Did You Hear What Happened to Charlotte King”
    … for not dwelling on the rape so much as the physical and psychological aftereffects.
12. Breaking Bad “Full Measure”
    … for ending another stellar season with more narrative propulsion than any other third-season finale
13. Modern Family “Family Portrait”
    … for the scene of Mitchell attacking the pigeon in slow-motion to the sound of Cam’s rendition of “Ave Maria.”
14. Mad Men “Public Relations”
    … for showing the chinks in Don’s well-groomed armor that will lead to his season-long descent.
15. Community “Modern Warfare”
    … for making a paintball game into a riotous send-up of action movies and for letting Jeff and Britta act on—and purge—their romantic tension.
16. The Walking Dead “Wildfire”
    … for the horrific aftermath of the zombie incursion on the camp and for the survivors’ foray into the wilds of downtown Atlanta.
17. So You Think You Can Dance “Meet the Top 11″
    … for the humility of Kent Boyd’s impassioned speech and for the jubilation of the finalists and their family upon hearing the good news.
18. Justified “Blind Spot”
    … for Raylan’s chickens coming home to roost in regards to his relationship with Ava, for his intensifying verbal sparring with Boyd, and for the introduction of the Crowder patriarch, Bo.
19. Damages “The Next One’s Going In Your Throat”
    … for efficiently connecting all the dots laid out in the third season in a devastating and thrilling finale.
20. The Good Wife “Hi”
    … for the triumphant scene in which Daniel and Kalinda cleverly win Peter a retrial.

Honorable mentions: Parks and Recreation “Telethon”; The Good Wife “Running”; Modern Family “Fears”; Glee “Grilled Cheesus”; Cougar Town “When the Time Comes”; Fringe “Entrada”; Top Chef “History Never Repeats”; The Office “Andy’s Play”; Lost “LA X”; Breaking Bad “Sunset”; Justified “Bulletville”; Breaking Bad “One Minute”; Grey’s Anatomy “These Arms of Mine”; Modern Family “Strangers on a Treadmill”; Modern Family “Starry Night”; The Buried Life “Get Married in Vegas”; 30 Rock “When It Rains, It Pours”; Glee “Furt”

In the waning hours of 2010, allow me to kick-start the Second Annual Primie Awards. Below are my favorite fifteen characters from the past year of television, again listed in descending order of awesomeness. (One could only dream of a context that would bring all of them together to share the screen!)

1. Kalinda Sharma (The Good Wife) If mystery is sexy, Kalinda is a bombshell. The tight-lipped private investigator radiates allure and ambiguity while keeping herself impassive and collected… most of the time. And when she let her emotions show, she does so in grand fashion, like taking a baseball bat to her rival’s car before leaving a kiss on the rear-view. She wins cool points even when she loses her cool. Played by Archie Panjabi.
2. Phil Dunphy (Modern Family) There’s not one weak link on this show, but this year, I’m honoring Phil. (Or, as Gloria would say, “Feeeeel.”) He’s so desperate in his attempts to stay hip and cool that it’s embarrassing, but in a weird way, it’s so embarrassing that he actually becomes kinda cool again. Huh. Played by Ty Burrell.
3. Olivia Dunham (Fringe) On our side, Olivia is empathetic, cool, and logical. In the alternate universe, she’s combative, single-minded, and impulsive—oh, and a redhead. When the two Olivias switched universes, each camouflaged herself like the other (by choice or otherwise), and the inherent difficulties and dilemmas were the highlights of the season so far. Played by Anna Torv.
4. Brittany Pierce (Glee) Who would have guessed that Brittany would be the new fan favorite in Season 2? Credit her brilliantly-dumb observations and her insane footwork, both of which were on full display in the episode devoted to her, “Britney/Brittany.” Played by Heather Morris.
5. Raylan Givens (Justified) Not only does this U.S. Marshal have a fun name to say out loud (and it must be said with a Southern accent), but he is also a helluva shot who vacillates between even- and hot-temperedness. It’s like he’ll try to calmly reason with you for five minutes before pulling his sidearm and shooting you between the eyes. Played by Timothy Olyphant.
6. Ellie Torres (Cougar Town) The role of “bitchy best friend” has been overplayed, but Ellie Torres revitalizes the trope with cutting wit and grudging love. As far as the Cul-de-sac Crew is concerned, she’s the cool kid on the block—the one by whom everyone wants to be liked. Hell, we all want Ellie to like us. Played by Christa Moore.
7. Dan Stark (The Good Guys) With all due respect to Josh Lyman, Dan Stark was the role Bradley Whitford was born to play. With a mustache second only to last year’s honoree Ron Swanson, Dan is a washed-up, libidinous joke of a detective who only stumbles into the the answers. But that never hurts his swag. Played by Bradley Whitford.
8. Holly Holliday (Glee) She may have only been on the show for one episode, but that’s all I needed to fall in love with this goofy, impulsive, hip substitute teacher. Between the Cee Lo singing, the Lindsay Lohan opining, and the Mary Todd Lincoln impersonating, Holly brought new levels of fun to the humdrum Lima High. Played by Gwyneth Paltrow.
9. Holly Flax (The Office) Her reappearance this year was fleeting, but she brings new life to the The Office whenever she shows up in Scranton. Whereas Michael’s other leading ladies only tolerated his goofiness, Holly matches it. When the jokes end, though, the reality of their former relationship and ensuing tension shine through. Still, if Michael is truly driving his Sebring into the sunset at the end of this season, I’m hoping Holly is riding shotgun. Played by Amy Ryan.
10. Gustavo Fring (Breaking Bad) Owner of the Los Pollos Hermanos fast-food chain by day, drug kingpin—well—also by day. Not only did he confront and subdue the Mexican cartel, but he also wrangled Walt into producing blue meth in bulk. And his emotionlessness and unflappability only make him even more intimidating. Played by Giancarlo Esposito.
11. Ria Torres (Lie to Me) Some characters don’t need a firearm or a killer right hook to be a badass. Ria will outwit or at least out-glare the guy across the interrogation table until he’s spilling the truth. What she lacks in training she more than makes up for in street smarts, improvisation, and spot-on instincts. Played by Monica Raymund.
12. Sarah Braverman (Parenthood) It’d be difficult to dislike any of the Braverman clan, but Sarah is especially endearing because of her self-deprecating motormouth and social inelegance. (How Gilmorean.) Her lot in life could be pitiable, but she’s a trouper—and good things come to her eventually. Played by Lauren Graham.
13. Zoe Graystone (Caprica) Zoe is a tough character to crack. Basically, the original Zoe died in a terrorist attack, but her soul lived on through her online avatar and was downloaded into a Cylon robot by her father. Boom. Three iterations of the same character, all different yet all variations on a theme. And the remaining Zoes are not particularly happy to live on in their current forms. Played by Alessandra Torresani.
14. Burt Hummel (Glee) To say he’s a supporting character is an understatement. He could not be more protective of his gay son Kurt, even if he’s still trying to find common ground with him. And not only is this journey of his interesting to watch, it serves as a road map for other parents of other Kurts out there. Played by Mike O’Malley.
15. Russell Edgington (True Blood) The millennia-old vampire king of Mississippi was the latest villain on True Blood, but he’s so maniacal, gaudy, and flamboyant that you almost wanted him to overstay his welcome if only for more ridiculousness. Played by Denis O’Hare.

You want the latest skinny? I got your latest skinny right here.

• Dustin Hoffman is migrating to television to headline HBO’s new series Luck, created by David Milch (Deadwood). Variety reports that the show will center on “several eclectic personalities who ply their trade on the horse-racing circuit,” including Hoffman’s character, “a man in his late 60s just released from four years in prison who’s autodidactic, intelligent, and deeply involved in gambling.” The show is predicted to debut in January.
• The network is also developing a yet-to-be-titled series in which Kevin Kline will portray a man just released from prison fifteen years after murdering his mistress. Was he cellmates with Dusty Hoffman?
• And hey, Diane Keaton is going to HBO, too! Along with Ellen Page! The duo will star in Tilda, a show roughly based on the life of notorious Hollywood journalist/blogger Nikke Finke.
• Clive Owen and Nicole Kidman will co-star in HBO’s television movie Hemingway & Gellhorn about Ernest Hemingway’s love affair with novelist/war correspondent Martha Gellhorn, the woman who purportedly inspired him to write For Whom the Bell Tolls.
• Also, Diane Lane, Tim Robbins, and James Gandolfini will star in HBO’s Cinema Verite, a television movie about the production of groundbreaking TV documentary An American Family.
• And you haven’t forgotten about HBO’s miniseries Mildred Pierce with Kate Winslet and Guy Pearce, have you?
• Kevin Spacey is not going to HBO, but he is going to Showtime. Ha! Twist! He’s in talks with the network to star in his own series, called The Crux, about a high-profile cult.
• True Blood, Breaking Bad, and Justified are all renewed for another season. Hurrah!
• Jason O’Mara (Life on Mars) has signed on the dotted line to star in the Spielberg-produced dino-drama Terra Nova on FOX.
• Ian McShane (Kings), Donald Sutherland (Dirty Sexy Money), and Rufus Sewell (The Eleventh Hour) will star in Starz’s miniseries The Pillars of the Earth, based on the Ken Follett novel of the same name. Starz calls the story an “epic of good and evil, treachery and intrigue, violence and beauty, a sensuous, spirited story set against a backdrop of war, religious strife and power struggles in 12th-century England.” The miniseries begins on July 23.
• Starz apparently loves them some period pieces, because it’s also reinventing the Camelot story with Joseph Fiennes (FlashForward) and Eva Green (Casino Royale).
• The hilarious Old Spice pitchman, whose name is Isaiah Mustafa, has signed a talent deal with NBC, so odds are that we won’t be seeing him only during the ad breaks.
• Syfy is developing a pilot entitled Three Inches about a man with a unique superpower: he can telekinetically move any object three inches. He soon join forces with other individuals with equally questionable abilities. It’s like a lamer-yet-awesomer version of Heroes.
• Michael Rosenbaum (formerly Lex Luthor on Smallville) will star in a Syfy comedy called Saved by Zeroes about two actors who squander the money they earned on a cult-favorite science-fiction television series and now have to work the convention beat to pay the bills.
• Gossip Girl actor Chace Crawford was arrested for possession of marijuana. Furthermore, is everyone incapable of looking good in a mugshot? Moving on.
• AMC is making a zombie show called Walking Dead based on the comic series by Robert Kirkman. Frank Darabont (The Shawshank Redemption) is on board to write, direct, and executive-produce the series.
• AMC is also developing a pilot entitled The Killing about a tangled police investigation into the murder of a young girl. Billy Campbell (The 4400) and Michelle Forbes (uh, everything) have joined the cast.
• The pilot Edgar Floats, a comedic drama about a police psychologist, is not dead at ABC—in fact, it has a six-episode script order—but the Alphabet Network did order the recasting of almost the entire cast, including leading-man Tom Cavanaugh (Ed). The only surviving cast member is Robert Patrick (The X-Files).
• MTV is filming its own version of the racy British teen drama Skins. And, like the original, the series will be written largely by teenagers. (Uh, hi, my name is Dan. I was a teenager not too long ago!)
• Also, a film version of the original Skins is in production and set to be released in 2011. Nicholas Hoult and Dev Patel are reprising their parts.
• Rebecca Mader has further endeared herself to me by revealing that she demanded silence while watching Lost, a show on which she starred as Charlotte. In an interview with The Wall Street Journal back in April, Mader mulled over the idea of hosting a finale party but then added, “If someone talks, I will punch them in the head. [...] If someone is saying, ‘What’s going on?’ I’ll be like, ‘Oh my God, get out of my house.’ I don’t have the patience.” I think she and I would get along.
• Speaking of Lost, here’s a doooope tribute by The Injustice League. Who knew that Michael Giacchino’s score could be incorporated into a rap so well?

1. Breaking Bad
2. Mad Men
3. Lost
4. Battlestar Galactica
5. 30 Rock
6. True Blood
7. Modern Family
8. Fringe
9. Glee
10. Dollhouse

Aloha, dear TV junkies.  I may be on vacation, but thanks to some coffeshop wi-fi, I’m still able to update this here blog with cinnamon-bun-sticky fingers.  Surely you didn’t think I’d forgotten about honoring the best small-screen moments of 2009!  Listed below are my favorite episodes across the airwaves from all of last year.  Is the list comprehensive?  Maybe not.  Does the order tend to be arbitrary?  Perhaps.  But still, I believe this to be a pretty good representation of 2009′s highlights.  Writers and directors of the below episodes, I raise my iced-coffee cup to you.

1. Battlestar Galactica “Daybreak, Part 2″  No matter if you loved the end or hated it, the final two hours of this show boldly went where no show has gone before. A catastrophic first hour was followed by a contemplative second. The epic space saga went out with a bang and then a whisper.
2. Mad Men “Shut the Door, Have a Seat”  After an intense season of smoldering interpersonal drama, this episode was one of the most light-hearted and cathartic. In the vaguest terms I can use, Don closed some doors and opened others. He reinvented himself, and the show was reborn anew.
3. Breaking Bad “Phoenix”  Often the penultimate episode of a season is just as climactic as the finale, as proven by Breaking Bad. Without spoiling anything, it was Walter White’s inaction during a gut-wrenching dilemma that made this episode so powerful.
4. Glee “Sectionals”  Between Mercedes’s powerful “And I Am Telling You” rendition, Rachel’s “Don’t Rain on My Parade” showstopper, and the club’s “My Life Would Suck Without You” dedication, the musical numbers in this fall finale were brilliant enough to tide us over until the show’s return in spring.
5. 30 Rock “Apollo, Apollo”  It’s hard to top Jack Donaghy’s excitement-puking and Kenneth’s Muppet-vision, but what made this episode the best of its season was the Polish singles’ line commercial that a young Liz Lemon debased herself by appearing in. Remember, just call 1-800-OKFACE.
6. Dollhouse “Omega”  After the startling return of rogue-doll Alpha at the end of the preceding episode, this episode shows the making (read: programming) of a maniac. The Dollhouse made its bed, and now it might have to die in it!
7. Breaking Bad “Negro y Azul”  Any episode that starts with a mariachi band and ends with an exploding turtle surely deserves a spot high on this list.
8. Lost “Dead is Dead”  It’s Judgment Day for the conniving Benjamin Linus as “the Island” takes him on a painful trip down memory lane. By the end, his relinquishing of power leaves him impotent… and dangerously desperate.
9. Glee “Pilot”  FOX was so excited about this episode, the network aired it four months before the series even started. With the well-crafted song-and-dance numbers, the satirical commentary on the high school food chain, and the hilarious immaturity of the show’s adult characters, I could not stop believing that Glee would be a hit.
10. Grey’s Anatomy “Here’s to Future Days/Now or Never”  This show may be showing its age, but watching the end of this fifth-season finale was tantamount to mainlining adrenaline when the identity of the heroic (and doomed) John Doe was realized.
11. Californication “The Apartment”  A day of reckoning comes for Hank Moody when all the major players in his life coincidentally convene under one roof. In true farce-like fashion, he scrambles to accommodate his girlfriend, his mistresses, his mistress’s husband, his daughter, his best friend, a few random prostitutes, and Rick Springfield, all the while trying to keep his indiscretions under wraps.
12. Modern Family “Pilot”  The premise is simplistic—the daily travails of three families that are “nuclear” for the new millennium—but the writing and acting is refined. Oh, and the show happens to be hilarious. With this episode alone, this show skyrocketed to the elite of half-hour comedies.
13. So You Think You Can Dance “Top 20 Showcase”  This was an episode without missteps—just the top twenty competitors dancing in their own genres, resulting in routines that were almost unmatched by the rest of the season. (Almost.) What was otherwise a filler episode turned into the best hour of the season.
14. Fringe “There’s More Than One of Everything”  John Noble’s most impressive acting came when his character revisited the memories of a beach house with his son. And the alternate-reality story thread tangles as Olivia finds herself in the most improbable of locations in the ballsy cliffhanger.
15. Lost “The Life and Death of Jeremy Bentham”  At last, we discover how He Who Shall Be Named Jeremy Bentham died. Frustrated by his failure to get the gang back together and feeling spurned by destiny, he decides to take his own life. But his real cause of death, which we find out minutes later, is even darker.
16. Parks and Recreation “Beauty Pageant”  One of the first episodes of the season, this installment solidified Parks and Recreation’s status as suddenly brilliant. Example Leslie Knope line: “This [mural] depicts a famous fight between Reverend Bradley and Anna Beth Stevenson, widowed mother of seven. The original title of this was ‘A Lively Fisting.’ But, you know, they had to change it… for obvious reasons.”
17. Damages “Trust Me”  Flash-forwards as a narrative technique are a hot ticket right now, but Damages uses them in a brilliantly manipulative way, revealing a little more of certain scenes in each episode. And in “Trust Me,” all the cards are laid out in this punch-out ending to a gripping season.
18. True Blood “I Will Rise Up”  It started with an act of terrorism perpetrated by humans and ended with an act of tenderness by a human—Sookie Stackhouse—surprising the millennia-old Godric, who had seen the worst of our race’s behavior in his lifetime. Plus, this episode featured another dialogue gem from Lafayette: “I don’t know what you is, but I’m feelin’ you, and you a soulless bitch.”
19. Top Chef “Finale, Part 1″  No matter what you thought of this season’s winner (or even the order of the runners-up), all Top Chef viewers could agree that Keven, Jennifer, and the Voltaggios were the four best contenstants. And to see them duke it out in Napa Valley (aboard a moving train, no less) was a treat.
20. Lie to Me “The Core of It”  Like Parks and Recreation, this procedural drama also came back from its hiatus creatively reinvigorated. In this episode, Cal Lightman and his group have to contend with a murder witness with multiple personalities. Not only do they have to figure out which of her multiple personalities saw the crime, but they also have to find a way to trigger that personality. Guest star Erika Christiansen is scary-good as Sophie/Trisha/Jessie/RJ.

Because it’s the end of the year (and of the decade), every TV critic is releasing best-of lists. And I am no exception, though small-potatoes I may be. Ergo I announce the First Annual Primie Awards! And the first category honors the 15 characters whom I appreciate most, in descending order of awesomeness. Frankly, the shows below would just be suckier without them!

1. Sue Sylvester (Glee) When Sue swaggers onscreen in one of her splashy tracksuits, you know that she’s say something both wildly inappropriate and gut-bustingly funny. The malicious comments she deploys in her jihad against McKinley High’s glee club almost makes you root for her. Played by Jane Lynch.
2. Ron Swanson (Parks and Recreation) The reluctant supervisor of Pawnee’s parks department had a breakout season that had him facing off with his domineering ex, presiding over the breakfast buffet at a strip club, enjoying a shoe-shining a bit too much, and having his scalp leaded with buckshot. Played by Nick Offerman.
3. Walter Bishop (Fringe) Last season, we saw the charming kookiness behind Walter’s mad-scientist-ness.  Now we’re seeing the vulnerability behind that charming kookiness. What layer will be unearthed next? Played by John Noble.
4. Starbuck (Battlestar Galactica) Love her or hate her, you have to acknowledge that Starbuck’s so-called destiny directly influenced the fate of humankind… in a way that’s very open to interpretation. Played by Katee Sackhoff.
5. Manny Delgado (Modern Family) One of the youngest and yet most mature members of the Pritchett clan, Manny is wise beyond his years—and quite the fencer, too. Played by Rico Rodriguez.
6. Benjamin Linus (Lost) In a show that specializes in shades of gray, it’s no surprise that Ben isn’t relentlessly villainous. We’ve seen glimpses of his humanity. But just before we start to like him, he does something like staging a character’s suicide—and we’re reminded of how much we hate him (and love to hate him). Played by Michael Emerson.
7. Arizona Robbins (Grey’s Anatomy) She’s often viewed as the happy-go-lucky pediatrics doc, but between her anguish over little Wallace and her blurting out “I love you” to Callie in the episode “Invest in Love,” she won me over. Played by Jessica Capshaw.
8. Troy/Abed (Community) Some of the funniest moments of Community came in the final minute of each episode when the credits were rolling—an end tag that became the Troy and Abed Show after the hilarious Spanish 101 rap (a.k.a. “La Biblioteca”). Community has been uneven so far, but Troy and Abed represent reliable comedy. Comedy you can believe in! Played by Danny Pudi and Donald Glover, respectively.
9. Saul Tigh (Battlestar Galactica) For reasons too spoilery to reveal here, ole One Eye Tigh had some of the most tumultuous internal conflict in Battlestar’s final season. Let’s just say that he found himself intimately associated with those who were once his enemies. Played by Michael Hogan.
10. Jenna Maroney (30 Rock) Ditzy fame-whore Jenna is everything that Liz Lemon isn’t, but just as much of a dysfunctional human. Her constant oversharing gives us mere glimpses into her bizarre life. (For example: “The reason I speak with a slight English inflection in my voice is because I lost my virginity to the My Fair Lady soundtrack.”) Played by Jane Krakowski.
11. Lester Patel (Chuck) Lester went from neurotic tech nerd to neurotic tech nerd and rock star with the debut of cover band Jeffster, performing awesomely bad versions of 80s classics like “Africa” and “Mr. Roboto.” True, Lester is only one half of Jeffster, but his bandmate Jeff is just too out-there for this list! Played by Vik Sahay.
12. Victor (Dollhouse) Besides a few face slashes here or there, Victor is the doll with the most fun: his “imprints” involve bedding boss Adelle DeWitt, acting like an exact clone of tech-whiz Topher, or channeling his inner sorority girl. And hey, those cuts healed remarkably fast, didn’t they? Played by Enver Gjokaj.
13. Hoyt Fortenberry (True Blood) As one of the only truly good residents of Bon Temps, Hoyt became more than just a background player this season when he fell in love with newly-vampirized Jessica, much to the dismay of his oppressively devout mother. His evolution from (momma’s) boy to man was great to see. Played by Jim Parrack.
14. Walter White, Jr. (Breaking Bad) His relationship with his emotionally-elusive dad is tenuous, but Junior still went to incredible (and touching) lengths last season to raise money for Senior’s cancer care. Played by R.J. Mitte.
15. Anna (V) Leader of the Visitors, Anna is alternately calculating, eloquent, manipulative, and alluring. A wolf in sheep’s (well-tailored) clothing. Played by Morena Baccarin.

Note: The following post first appeared as an article by the same name in The Climax, Hampshire College’s newspaper. Also, some of these micro-reviews may exceed 140 characters—my bad!

I am a student of television. Writing television scripts is my Division III [a senior project, in Hampshire speak]. So I have no shame in the fact that I watch all of the shows below religiously. I study the craft, folks. That’s a lie—I am ashamed of some of them, but I’m feeling forthright in my fourth-year-ness. Anyway, I only assumed that I couldn’t review all my shows for The Climax before I graduate. And then it occurred to me: I could review each in 140 characters or less. (Arbitrary number, I swear.)

• 24 Some seasons fire on all cylinders, and some make you want to shoot yourself in the kneecap. But I’m still a fan of the Bauer Power Hour.
• 30 Rock Is Tina Fey God? Even if not, this show is in my pantheon. 22 Emmy nominations this year alone. What the what?
• The Amazing Race A competition show and a geography lesson all in one. Plus the race just looks like such a globetrotting thrill.
• Breaking Bad Brilliance you’ve likely never seen. Bryan Cranston (as a reluctant meth dealer) and Aaron Paul (as his witless lackey) are a wondrous team.
• Brothers & Sisters Created by playwright Jon Robin Baitz, powerful character drama pervades this series about the virtues and frustrations of family life.
• Burn Notice Ex-spy Michael Westen is a MacGyver for the new century. Plus he narrates his creative process! Plus Bruce Campbell plays the sidekick!
• Californication Man-child Hank Moody is David Duchovny’s (comedic) role of a lifetime. And the show featured Hampshire band Bubonic Souls last week.
• Chuck Put a self-described nerd in a world of government conspiracies and sexy secret agents, and hilarity ensues. Such a lovable show.
• Community A comedy about a community college study group that’s not quite up to snuff but getting better each week.
• Curb Your Enthusiasm Schadenfreude at a fever pitch. Larry David is such an incorrigible ass, but you can’t help siding with him in all of his curmudgeonliness.
• Damages Vicious legal thriller with Glenn Close and Rose Byrne. Season 2′s powerhouse cast included William Hurt, Marcia Gay Harden, and Ted Danson.
• Desperate Housewives What do I have in common with middle-aged, lovelorn women? Uh, not much. But this show is still a fun look at the seediness of the suburbs.
• Dollhouse Engineered personalities, ethical perversions, and intense action make this (cancelled) show radically different. Well done, Joss Whedon.
• Entourage Not the sharpest tool in the shed, but still a comical insight into the biz and a testament to lifelong friendship. (“Lloyd!”)
• FlashForward An ambitious fate-vs.-free-will drama with a laudable cast. But can its premise sustain it for more than this season?
• Flashpoint This Canadian import, about a hostage negotiation team in Toronto, is edge-of-your-seat tense. Plus Veronica Mars’s dad is the lead!
• Fringe Like The X-Files, only with a more mind-warping mythology and the addition of one raving-mad, madly-funny scientist. Freaky good times had by all.
• Glee This high-school satire is so much fun, thanks to a stellar cast, its show-stopping covers of pop songs, and the incomparable Jane Lynch.
• The Good Wife What makes this legal drama intriguing is that the protagonist—played by Julianna Margulies—is the jilted wife of an adulterous politician.
• Gossip Girl Used to be a salacious indulgence. But they had to match everyone up in an endless cycle of hook-ups and break-ups. What a mess.
• Greek If Gossip Girl had a sharper, wittier, more accessible, yet less popular twin sister, her name would be Greek.
• Grey’s Anatomy Melodramatic, yes, but the relationship drama is sophisticated and smartly executed. But its hard to watch if you’re single, dammit!
• Heroes Holy Hiro, what the hell happened to this show? This once-great serial has suffered bloated storylines and botched mythology. Shut it down.
• Lost The most revolutionary show on this list, nay, of the decade. Season 5 was a creative resurgence that was so awesomely challenging to watch.
• Lie to Me An unconventional procedural drama that’s proven to be surprisingly un-formulaic. And Tim Roth doesn’t even have to use an American accent!
• Mad Men If you’re not in love with this elegant, introspective, and smoldering drama, you just haven’t seen enough of it.
• Men of a Certain Age Three old friends have midlife revelations. This show just started, but I like what I’ve seen. It’s like Garden State—plus twenty years.
• Modern Family Funniest new show of the season. Believe it.
• Nip/Tuck Not as deeply cutting as it was in its youth, but now it’s superficially fun and bat-shit crazy. Can’t complain too much.
• The Office Just when I think it has lost its mojo, it pulls a “Koi Pond” episode or “Subtle Sexuality” webisode to remind us all of its wit.
• Parks and Recreation Started off as an Office clone but came back roaring in its second season. Now it rivals its predecessor for laughs.
• Private Practice A spectacular cast and interesting storylines, but I still wish Addison would go back to Seattle Grace. Maybe everyone can go along!
• Project Runway I’m probably not the right demographic for this catty show, but who cares. I just hope Tim Gunn would approve of my wardrobe.
• Smallville Never “super” but never terrible, Smallville is reliable entertainment even after eight years. One of the only good things the CW can offer.
• So You Think You Can Dance The most legit and diverse dance competition. The talent gets more absurd each season. YouTube “Ellenore & Jakob – Contemporary” for proof.
• Top Chef In a world of hamburger reality shows, Top Chef is a filet mignon with escargot, grilled ramps, chanterelle mushrooms and yuzu—i.e. refined.
• Top Chef Masters The nation’s top chefs compete. Of course it’s good.
• True Blood I reviewed this show already this semester! Suffice it to say, it’s addictive.
• Ugly Betty In this refreshing comedic drama, Betty maintains a beautiful can-do spirit as she navigates the (hilariously) bitchy world of fashion.
• V This series about tensions between humans and alien “Visitors” is off to a promising start, but lamely, we only get four episodes this year.
• Warehouse 13 Undecided about this show. I dig the whole “America’s attic” notion and the leads’ chemistry, but some of the episodes have been, uh, hokey.

The Emmys snuck up on me this year, but ever since I learned that the ceremony was tonight, my plans were set. (That said, an hour’s intermission for Mad Men might be in order.) I’m not predicting the winners here, mind you, but stating who I’m rooting for. I haven’t seen all of the nominated shows and performances, but from what I have seen, here are my picks for some of the top categories:

Outstanding Drama Series
Breaking Bad

No other show in the category is under-subscribed as this one, and yet it’s one of the most nuanced, emotionally profound series on television. It would be a real coup if it won.

Outstanding Comedy Series
30 Rock

From Oprah hallucinations to Night Court reunions to Muppets in space to Salma Hayek saying “coco for cuckoo poops,” this show continues to outdo itself season after season.

Outstanding Lead Actor – Drama Series
Jon Hamm (Mad Men)

…for a man who makes being emotionally distant look so cool. A furrowed eyebrow is the biggest response you’ll get out of him.

Outstanding Lead Actress – Drama Series
Glenn Close (Damages)

…for being alternately—and believably—vulnerable and terrifying. (And when I say terrifying, I mean she’s almost as scary as her character in Fatal Attraction.)

Outstanding Lead Actor – Comedy Series
Steve Carell (The Office)

Emmy voters love characters with moral ambiguity, and you can never tell of how much of his own assholiness Michael Scott is aware. Plus, this is Carell’s fourth consecutive nomination in this category. Clearly he’s doing something right!

Outstanding Lead Actress – Comedy Series
Christina Applegate (Samantha Who?)

If we can’t have Samantha Who? on our screens, we should at least honor the star, whose performance of the sunny, optimistic Samantha made losing one’s memory almost look like fun.

Outstanding Supporting Actor – Drama Series
Aaron Paul (Breaking Bad)

A win for him seems like a long shot, but Aaron Paul’s performance won me over this year. He made an imbecilic druggie a character you can root for—and feel for during the devastating conclusion to the season.

Outstanding Supporting Actress – Drama Series
Chandra Wilson (Grey’s Anatomy)

Bailey is the most rational, sage character in a hospital brimming with angst and impulsive behavior, even when her own life is imploding. Besides, this is Wilson’s fourth consecutive nomination in this category. Clearly she’s doing something right!

Outstanding Supporting Actor – Comedy Series
Tracy Morgan (30 Rock)

…simply or making Tracy Jordan the craziest person you’d ever want to be your best friend.

Outstanding Supporting Actress – Comedy Series
Kristin Chenoweth (Pushing Daisies)

How is so much talent contained in such a tiny lady? I have no idea, but her portrayal as the hopelessly-devoted Olive Snook almost makes you want to break up Ned and Chuck. Almost.

Outstanding Reality Competition Program
Top Chef

…for being one of the classiest, most respectable reality shows on the air, and for making us all want to become food savants.

]]> http://primetimely.com/2009/09/2009-emmys-my-winners/feed/ 1 http://primetimely.com/2009/08/dostoyevsky-and-dream-era/ http://primetimely.com/2009/08/dostoyevsky-and-dream-era/#comments Wed, 26 Aug 2009 23:37:23 +0000 Dan Clarendon http://primetimely.com/?p=163

The A.V. Club recently posted an in-depth interview with comedian/actor Patton Oswalt, the voice of the rat in Ratatouille and the star of upcoming drama Big Fan (and, incidentally, a man whose first name is my middle!). His insights into comedy, acting, and fatherhood are all astute and articulate (if a tad profane). But the parts I want to share with you are those in which he expounds upon the state of television, in light of his guest-starring roles on shows like Dollhouse and Caprica.

When asked whether he’d commit to being a series regular for a television show (an undertaking few movie stars are willing to make), he replied:

Oh yeah. What’s really odd now—trust me, I love doing movies, but right now, television is the way Hollywood was in the late ’60s and early ’70s. The dream era I would have loved to have been part of in Hollywood then is happening right now, but it’s happening on television, with these big complicated story arcs and real character-driven shows and sheer ambiguity left and right. So to get asked to do stuff like United States of Tara and Caprica is terrific. I can’t complain. If people wanted me to commit [to shows like that], I’d do it. Imagine if you were asked to come in for something like Breaking Bad or Damages—holy f–k, I would commit to that in a second.

And this next part echoes my thoughts exactly regarding the need for serialized series, not just episodic shows:

They’ve got plenty of Law and Orders and CSIs, so why not use those to finance stuff like Reaper or Dollhouse, where the people who watch shows on DVD or iTunes can just gobble up the whole giant Dostoyevsky novel that it’s trying to be? Have some balance, for God’s sake.

I, for one, am an ardent and outspoken fan of just the kind of “novels” Oswalt is talking about—ever since I first watched Alias six years ago. I don’t need television that’s easy to consume in bite-sized chunks. I want to commit my attention and, as a result, receive long, complicated, rewarding storylines—just like those on shows he mentions, like Breaking Bad and Damages. So I give the guy a lot of props for his defense of television like that and for his respect for viewers like me.

The following post was originally published on my old blog on July 7, 2009.

After watching the second-season finale of Breaking Bad, the dramatic series about a chemistry-teacher-turned-meth-dealer desperate to not let his cancer treatment bankrupt his family, I had one thought: thank God this show is on AMC.

With the premiere of Mad Men two years ago, AMC went from musty movie channel to leading cable destination overnight. And now with the network’s second dramatic series Breaking Bad attracting its fair share of critical acclaim (and even a leading-actor Emmy win for Bryan Cranston), AMC is establishing itself as a network that values quality over quantity. Unlike the broadcast networks, it has no reason to fill its primetime schedule with series each fall and hope that at least a few are commercial successes (let alone critical success). It has the freedom to develop series more thoroughly and thoughtfully.

And shows on AMC risk virtually no chance of cancellation. If a show on any of the big four networks pulled in Breaking Bad‘s numbers (around 1.4 million viewers on average), it would be axed instantly. But 1.4 million viewers, for a previously-obscure network like AMC, is a windfall. So with no threat of extinction—and a supportive network, to boot—AMC seems like a writer’s and producer’s paradise, as long as those writers and producers don’t mind small audiences.

The second season of Breaking Bad was even edgier, more stimulating, and more tragic than the first. If this were a broadcast network show, I’d be sweating about whether a third season would ever transpire. But the show was renewed four episodes into last season. Thank God this show is on AMC.