Like every other reputable TV critic, I’ve seen absolutely none of this season’s crop of new shows, except for the first episode and a half of New Girl. (Cut a guy some slack; we’ve been trying to slash Dexter from my to-watch list.) So since there’s no time like the holidays for frivolity, let me recklessly and unfairly pass judgment on all the broadcast network’s new scripted offerings… in haiku form! Bonus: Watch as my poetic form deteriorates toward the end of the post!
Charlie’s Angels
Lame reboot; no buzz
Not even Minka Kelley
could save these Angels
Pan Am
Flight attendant? Hah!
You call her “stewardess”
Or just say “Ricci.”
How To Be a Gentleman
In laugh-less sitcom,
One guy is Johnny Drama,
Other’s just up-tight
Allen Gregory
I’m not sure what makes
This Jonah-Hill-voiced kid
Diff’rent than Stewie…
Free Agents
They are coworkers.
They slept together. So what?
Happens all the time.
The Playboy Club
What happens when
Cute women in bunny suits
Meet Don Draper Lite?
Prime Suspect
No Helen Mirren.
Instead, Maria Bello
In a funny hat.
A Gifted Man
Surgeon sees dead wife.
Her work lives on through him.
Must have God complex!
Person of Interest
Michael Emerson
Is a creeper once again,
But for good this time!
Unforgettable
Total recall, huh?
Hard to fathom. I just bought
Ginkgo biloba.
Terra Nova
Love them dinosaurs.
Wish the graphics were better.
Wanna see peeps chomped!
Hart of Dixie
I’m guessing this show
Doesn’t center on the fine
Dixie paper goods line
Ringer
What is better than
One Sarah Michelle Gellar?
Twin SMGs! Duh!
Up All Night
Applegate, Arnett
And Rudolph. Would watch these guys
Almost anywhere.
Last Man Standing
Who runs the world? Girls!
Tim Allen doesn’t get that
Must be too washed up.
Suburgatory
Living in the ‘burbs
Is certaintly not hellish,
Just a bit boring.
The Secret Circle
CW loves
Supernatural shows, like
Supernatural.
Grimm
The guy can see beasts
Living amongst us humans
Like Michelle Bachmann.
Once Upon a Time
Ginnifer Goodwin
Is super cute. Even in this
Meta fairy tale.
2 Broke Girls
Cash-starved waitresses
Think they’re funny but only
Get laughs from laugh track.
New Girl
Adorkable Zo
Crashes with some bro-ish bros,
Sings at ev’ry chance.
I Hate My Teenage Daughter
Mothers who are scared
To confront a teenage girl
Need to rethink life.
Revenge
Girl moves to Hamptons
Somehow affords beach cottage
Might cut a bitch soon.
Whitney
Lassie McSassy
Is dating a caveman guy
And e’er kvetching.